Death

So on Wednesday I attended my first police department funeral. A beautiful 29 year old Phoenix officer was shot by an even younger man trying to steal a car. This officer has a sweet wife, a 2 year old daughter and a 3 week old son. Had his son not arived 3 weeks earlier than expected, this young father would've never even laid eyes on him.

The entire experience was very intense with hundreds and hundreds of officers from all around the state in attendance. Several speakers talked about this young man-- mostly his love for his family and his job. He loved being a police officer and having the opportunity to make a difference. For me, the most impressive thing was all the respect and tradition with which he was laid to rest-- the graveside ceremony. After a miles- long procession, row after row of Officers stood at attention, saluted the casket. There was the folding the flag that draped the casket and presenting it to the officer's young wife, the bagpipes, the gun salute, Taps, and most moving for me, the Last Call over the police radios, part of which was,..."Goodnight, Sir. Thank you for your service. We will miss you. Over and out."

And then we all walked away, back to our lives. Part of me wanted to SCREAM at the wrongness of it all, but of course that would be socially unacceptable. So when I got out of the police car and back to my little Chevy Aveo, I did just that-- I screamed and screamed and screamed at all the pain I've seen and felt just this week . So much wrongness in this world. So much.

One day God will make all the wrong right. Today would be great.

2 Cor.4:16-17

Jesus, draw me ever nearer
As I labor through the storm;
You have called me to this passage,
And I'll follow though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure;
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love you even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at your throne.

Keith Getty/ Margaret Becker

A Different Homesickness

I've been back in PA for three weeks now and have spent most of the time soaking in love from people who have known me all/ most of my life. I've had great, faith- strengthening conversations with wise and precious people and I've enjoyed two snow falls (Ok, the sledding disaster wasn't much fun, but we're starting to laugh about it by now!). Still, even with all these good things, there's been a gnawing in this tiny spot in one corner of my heart that says, "This is good, but heaven is SO much better."

I'm always trying to figure out where a good thing turns into an idol and this longing for heaven is no different. I can hear Roby Duke singing, "I shall see Him, touch His face..." and I can only cry with anticipation (not to mention crying with joy at the fact that Roby is doing just that these days!). I am eager (huge understatement) for the time when God is recognized and worshiped as he deserves. But I think I melt the two together too easily-- I want to be in heaven to be free of life on earth and all it's pain. I want be with Him, but for some wrong reasons. What I want to want is for God to receive His due glory from His creation AND I want to be one of the loud voices singing love to Him in person. Oh what a day. Oh what a (there's no adequate superlative!) day. To worship with all the dear people I've been with these last weeks at home will be (again no adequate superlative). I can't wait to see us there looking into the face of the One we love and meeting the rest of our family from across the ages.

Maybe today is the day, but if not, I will purpose to love Him as best I can just today. We'll see about tomorrow tomorrow.

Homesickness

I've got a fierce case of homesickness. I mean fierce! My heart literally aches, my body shakes, I cry without warning and I won't go into the specifics of other bodily symptoms. I miss my family, my friends, my neighborhood-- and a million other familiar things.

It's not that it's terrible here in the west valley of Arizona-- in fact, it's very beautiful. And it's warm! And there are even people here that I enjoy; people who missed me while I was away in PA over the past week. But it's just not home.

This miserable ache in my gut got me thinking about the fact that Jesus left is perfect home to come to live among people who hated him and wanted to kill him from moment one. My mind cannot compehend the love that motivated him to leave his Father's side, to come to this foreign place, to live among such unpleasant creatures, to give and give and give-- and then give the ultimate gift of his own life. He must've missed the perfection of heaven and the company of the Father and the Spirit, but love drove him. He didn't look back-- he only looked forward and I am so thankful.

"It is not the improtance of the thing, but the majesty of the Lawgiver that is to be the standard of obedience." Andrew Bonar

Finding a church is no easy task. I've read through about a dozen web sites and my mind is spinning! Every site insists their church has what I need, what my heart is longing for, what my family requires in order to develop a strong faith. My mind has been a BLUR of denominations, of worship styles (?!?), of cool splashy web sites, of ministry options, of sermon topics and on and on-- SO much information! I was very discouraged after visiting two churches last week (see below for comments), but this past Sunday I left the apartment with list and directions in hand. I intended to visit one church but couldn't find it, so I ended up at another (amusingly, earlier that morning when Jordan asked me where I was planning to worship I told him I was looking for a cosmic sign to show me where I should go. God is funny!).

Now, I confess I was feeling a bit cynical as I remembered the lack of warmth from the week before. I arrived at the high school where the church meets and there were a few other cars already there. One family was heading toward the door when one of their little boys came toward me and said, "Are you new?" I laughed a little and said ,"Yes, how did you know?" And he said, "That's easy-- I don't know your face!" It was that simple. Then Matthew yelled, "Hey Mom, she's new!!" Mom laughed and apologized and looked uncomfortable, but all I could think was, "This kid knows the love of Jesus!" He saw someone by herself, someone he didn't know, he asked a simple question and it made all the difference.

Glory

Of all the apartments available in Arizona, in Goodyear, in Verrado, God gave me one with a porch that faces west. Arizona is famous for it's beautiful pink sunsets, so I was happy with the porch from the first minute I saw it!

At first I simply enjoyed the view, but last evening the view became a word from God. See, yesterday was the first cloudy day I've experienced since arriving here and it was a bit of a novelty (this morning in an email, my sister said, "Let me guess-- clear, sunny and warm?"). But as I passed by the porch door last evening, I glanced out at the sky and God spoke. It had to do with the clouds, the added dimension they allow and the metaphor right in front of me.

The sunsets are pretty on clear evenings, but last evening's clouds allowed the colors to bounce around and create shades and shapes of amazing beauty. As I sat there, the show continued on with the colors becoming deeper and richer. Of course I was thinking about the fact that I am SO far from all that's familiar, from all the ones I love, and how hard this week has been. That's when God whispered Psalm 19:1-- "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclain the work of his hands." As my heart heard those words, I found hope.

I saw the metaphor clearly in front of me last evening and it goes like this: an Arizona sunset on a clear evening is a beautiful thing full of color and creativity. An Arizona sunset on a cloudy evening is just breathtaking, and it's the clouds that make the difference! Life on a good (clear) day is a beautiful thing, full of blessing and joy. Life during a rough patch (cloudiness) can be breathtaking because of the things that God teaches, provides and reveals through the cloudiness. Just as last evening's sunset was the work of His hands, my life is also the work of His hands. He's fully aware of the ache in my heart and can use the pain to declare His glory-- if I'm cooperative.

I haven't been very good about sitting and soaking in God's lesson these last few weeks-- mostly I've just wanted the pain to go away. But last evening's sunset reminded me to sit back and look around at what God is doing and to be thankful for all the shades and shapes-- they are the work of His hand and will produce a thing of true beauty if I let them. The heavens declare God's glory and I want to do the same.

Strange as it seems to me, when I got up this morning I smiled to see it was another cloudy day!